Guess I'm not doing as well as I thought...

We had the girl's little brother here for the last week. He came on Halloween night and he went home Friday afternoon. Josiah and Little E had been sick with really runny noses, low grade fevers, and bad coughs. The robitussin that I had been giving Little E just wasn't touching her cough. She was coughing every few seconds. I called on Thursday to see about getting her into the doctor and they told me they couldn't see her until MOnday afternoon at 4:30. My agency told me to go ahead and take her into the ER to get something for her cough. UGH. So, we headed off to the ER to find out that it was hayfever/viral stuff. Thursday night, I started coming down with it and Deidra came home from school sick with it as well. Friday, I gave all the kids allergy meds and sent them to school. I just needed some time to rest. I spent the day trying to finish up monthly paperwork and playing with the girl's little brother. The last couple of nights I've been lucky if I've gotten 6 hours of sleep combined. I am just dripping snot, coughing, and I cannot breathe. I fall asleep in bed, wake up and can't fall back asleep, have to keep getting up to blow my nose, come downstairs to sit in the recliner and go back and forth between the couch and the recliner. I thought I was dealing with things ok until all the temper tantrums started among everyone today and Andy was sitting at his computer doing budget stuff and I started yelling at the kids. I sent Deidra to her room to go put her clothes away and she just copped an attitude with me. I was trying to talk to Andy about something and he didn't answer. I guess he didn't realize that I was talking to him. I went and printed out the chore charts for the kids that we are starting today and read them off their chores, more attitude from Deidra, and Andy defended her somewhat and then yelled at me saying that they've all been distant because my patience is short and I've been moody. When I got up from the table with tears in my eyes to go upstairs, he said "exactly, that's what I'm talking about." I went upstairs and cried in my bed and listened to Josiah yelling at his door that somebody needed to get him out of his room and that he didn't want to take a nap. Finally, I got up and let him downstairs and decided to come down so I could get my work done that I needed to do and then Andy was asking Josiah if I had given him permission to come downstairs. I told him that I obviously had let him out. Andy started telling me that he was taking Deidra to go run some errands and I just kept saying "ok." Then, he got mad at me because I wasn't talking to him. I told him "well, if you're saying I'm moody and that my patience is short, I guess it's just better to say nothing at all." I thought I was doing ok with everything given how I've been feeling. I really could use some extra cuddles and whatnot right now, but I guess that's asking too much. Yes, I know my patience is short and I'm really trying to work on that. I'm exhausted, I'm constipated, I have constant gas pains, I'm sick with this allergy stuff, I'm trying to deal the best with everything that I can. Deidra's had an attitude about now wanting to pick up her room or having to help around the house, if it's not fun and games, she doesn't want to do it. Josiah's meds have helped his constant meltdowns but he really needs something to help his ADHD symptoms as he has a constant motor mouth and he's loud and rambunctious on top of it and I literally am running around after him all day to keep him from making messes and getting into eveyrthing he knows that he's not supposed to. Little E is into everything as well and her hands have to constantly be into everything. I can't put her in time out without her even picking at the cupboards, the floor, and the wall. And Baby T is still whining over every cotton picking thing. I told Andy that I'm trying to handle everything the best that I can and I'm trying to be understanding of their behaviors and I know that some progress is being made, but there gets to be a part of the night where I am just on sensory overload from listening to the constant talking, constant meltdowns, and running around keeping them out of stuff, and cleaning up messes. I told him that's where I need him to come in and help me out. He really hurt my feelings with what he said to me today though. Granted, I really did think I was doing ok all things considering, but I guess I need to work on it even more. He was doing so well yesterday too...he gave me a few hours to myself while he took all 4 kids out to run errands with him. And then today, he says that to me.

And on top of all this, I'm trying to potty train Josiah and Baby T this weekend. Josiah has the concept down, he has finally started to poop in the potty as of a month or so ago, but he doesn't always tell us when he has to go. He's gone all weekend long without having an accident. Baby T doesn't get the concept at all, even though her teacher tells me that she's been doing it at school and even telling her when she has to go. My OT thinks she's becoming manipulative because she won't do it for me here at home. I leave her sitting on the potty until she can go pee pee, I praise her and give her a treat and a star for her chart. She gets up and not even 5 minutes in her cotton training pants and she's had an accident. If I sit her back on the potty chair she'll tell me repeatedly that she's gone, yet I stand her up and nothing. I just don't know that she gets it. I told Andy that I was done trying to train her this month. I'll try again in another few weeks. Yet, she'll scream and tell me to change her when she poops her pants. I mean, she has a huge fit over it until I change her. I don't know, maybe I should keep trying for another few days before I give up for this month.

Quirks and Behaviors

Andy and I had a big talk last night about the kids and their behaviors. Little E and Josiah have been major handfulls and into everything. I love them both to death, but I need to find some way of disciplining them that gets through to them that they can't do certain things. It's getting to a point where I cannot even leave them out of sight for a couple of minutes or they're running to get into everything that they're not supposed to. These are my 2 with ADHD and ODD. I watched a Super Nanny episode a week or two ago where SN was telling the parents that they were expecting too much out of their son who had ADHD and when he acted up, they just needed to give him a hug and talk to him about what he did wrong. He wasn't meaning to act up and he just couldn't focus on what he needed to be doing. She did an experiment with Mom where she wanted her to read a book, listen to music, she had all the kids come in and do various things to her at the same time, and then she asked Mom to tell her what she had read. I understand that these kids have problems in that dept and I am sympathetic to that. But, I think they need to have consequences just like any other kid does. I think they need to learn that they still have expectations in life, rather than just learn that because they have ADHD that they have an excuse not to do those things.

I had started to give them little tasks and if they could complete those without incident I was rewarding them with 2 gummi bears. It was working for the most part. Then, we went to a training and one of the caseworkers mentioned that he didn't think that was a good idea as it was setting the kids up to expect something each time they did anything. I quit doing it and the kids went back to being major handfuls. Into everything, running wild everywhere, refusing to listen, being defiant, making big old messes, being agressive with one another at times, and after Andy and I's talk last night, I decided that I'm going back to what was working. Once I get their behaviors under control for awhile, I'll start cutting back on the gummi bears, but for right now them earning gummi's, tv time, and extra perks seems to be working and I'd rather give them something extra for now if it will reap the rewards of good behavior. I need to be able to go sign forms for the therapist without them making a beeline for the refrigerator, pantry, or DVD player to make a mess and wreck things. I need to get a handle on this now, so that when the baby comes and I need to sit and feed the baby, that I don't have to stop every 2 seconds and go get them out of the bathroom, out of the pantry, or out of Deidra's homework.

And before anyone says this is normal kid behavior, if it just happened here and there throughout the day, I would understand, but this is constant over and over and over and it doesn't matter how many times they lose a privilege or wind up in time out, it doesn't change the behavior. I think when we go to behavioral therapy tonight, I'm going to see about adding Josiah to the behavioral class rather than just go to skill building so we can get some ideas on how to handle some more of his refusing to listen and the 45 minute screaming fits (no tears, just screaming) that come with him not getting his way. He has no self-calming techniques either and I just talked to the occupational therapist about how I understood the massages and squeezes she does in therapy to help calm him, but I need ideas on how to teach him to self-soothe as otherwise he just screams and screams. She told me to keep removing him and putting him in his room so he learns he's not going to get negative attention either. I told her that I do go put him in his room, but he destroys his room during his screaming fits. She told me to put a mini-trampoline in his room so he can get some sensory input from that, but that seems more like a reward to me. I think I'm going to bring this up at behavioral therapy when we are in our parenting class and see what they think. But, I do think he needs to join the behavioral class so we can see the progress that he makes in learning those skills and be able to see how the counselors deal with some of his quirks.

They are making some progress with social skills. All my littles have a really hard time with boundaries and what is appropriate with strangers and others personal and private spaces. I found a social skills for early learners book in a teaching story that I picked up and we have been learning one social skill each week and I give them little reward strips each time I see them do the appropriate social skill that we have learned already. They are slowly improving and I am SO proud of them!

Had my first OB appt...

I had my first OB appt yesterday. I was SO nervous. I told the nurse that I wouldn't be surprised if my blood pressure was up as I had myself so nervous worrying if baby was ok. She said it was a little high when she took it, but that she understood. She just joked around with me and made me laugh. I really liked her. She talked about my concerns that I didn't know how far along I was with me. Doctor came in and congratulated me and we talked for a few minutes. He said that he'd do an ultrasound to determine how far along I was. By my lmp, I should have been 14 weeks, but I told him I couldn't seem to grasp my mind around that and really didn't think I was quite that far along. I waited and waited for an ultrasound room to open and my doctor finally came and got me after several updates (he didn't want me to think he had forgotten me) and took me back for my ultrasound. He found baby and I was able to hear the heartbeat. What a glorious sound! He measured baby and determined that (as of yesterday) I was 10 weeks and 1 day pregnant. He gave me a due date of May 30, 2010. I am SO thrilled to know that baby is well. He gave me orders to quit stressing and worrying and start enjoying this pregnancy. So, that's what I'm doing. I got some blood work done and gave a urine sample and he gave me some various prenatal vitamins to try to see which one I liked best. I told him I had been on Wal-marts prenatals, but he wanted me on the perscriptions more to make sure that me and baby were getting all the nutrients we needed. I was surprised to find that the perscriptions all had DHA tablets with them. That's new since I had prenatals with Deidra. I understand it though. I have my first ultrasound pics hanging on the fridge. I asked for pics and Dr. says "they're not the best and baby just looks like a blob, but if you want some, I'll gladly give you some." Yup, I want pics of my baby...blob or not. :-) I have some with Deidra that were earlier than this and all you can see is the sac... I'm really glad that I have the doctor that I do. I really like him.

Halloween parties...

The littles all had parties today at school. Deidra didn't have a party and she was pretty bummed. I got them all little Halloween outfits to wear. Deidra had a skull shirt, Baby T had a Tinkerbell halloween outfit, Josiah had a bat shirt that said "I may be cute, but I still BITE." And Little E, had a orange and black kitty shirt. They all looked adorable. I dropped Josiah and Baby T off at MDO and then I took Little E to the library to get Halloween books and some videos. We got the Wizard of Oz to watch and she picked out a Dora movie and I picked out a Veggie Tales movie for them all to watch. We came home and I edited some pics and then it was time to take her to school. After I dropped her off, I went up and had lunch with Mom. We went to Ryan's and talked and ate. It was good and I got my mashed potato craving filled. :-) Then, after lunch we went back to her work and the girl's in her office had put together candy baskets for my kids. I thought that was sweet of them and so I gathered those up and brought them home. I wanted to take a nap, but there wasn't any time. So, I headed up to gather them all from school. Now, we're home and they're watching Dora for a bit. I wish I could nap. I may lay down for a bit when Andy gets home. My Dad is coming in later tonight and I'll need to run to Rockwall to get him from his truck around 9. My Dad was worrying about me as I've been so tired lately...he was so sweet wondering if that was too late or if I just wanted to come get him in the morning. I told him Mom had volunteered to come with me so I wouldn't be by myself. That made him feel better. He's been calling me every other day or so to check on how I'm feeling. He is SO excited about this baby. I haven't seen him this excited about something in a long time. I think I'm going to do a pasta bake for dinner tonight...something I can just throw in a pan and bake. I feel bad that I really haven't been cooking much lately. Either Andy cooks when he comes home or the kids have been eating whatever I can throw in the oven easily. I am really lacking gumption.

I don't accept help well...

I've always had a difficult time asking for and accepting help. I think it has something to do with how I was raised...if I wanted something, I had to do it on my own. I think that's something I've just carried with me.

Tonight, a friend brought over dinner for my family. I felt a bit awkward about it when she first brought it up a couple of days ago, yet I was extremely touched that she wanted to do that for us. B, I thank you so much for being so sweet and bringing over dinner. It was delicious! Pizza bread and salad. You could sell that every time you decided to make some for dinner...it was really THAT good! You totally didn't have to do that for us, but we SO appreciated you doing that for us. Your friendship is an answered prayer! Love you!!

I cannot get over...

how much I've been sleeping or been wanting to sleep lately. I am just dragging. Nothing in my house is really getting done. Andy pampered me all weekend and did the laundry and the cooking when we weren't grabbing dinners out. I told him I feel awful that the house is all cluttered and I start out the day with the best of intentions, but by the time I can grab some time to do something, all I want to do is sit down or if the kids are napping at the same time I want to grab a quick nap myself. I came out and told my CPS worker and my therapists that I was pregnant. Everybody keeps asking me how I'm feeling. I just feel like I could fall asleep at any given moment, I have bouts of queesiness. I am always gassy. (I know, like you really wanted to know that...but it's BAD and gas pains hurt). I have heartburn and yesterday I had a really bad bachache that would not go away. Yesterday, I was really moody and I felt really bad, but I just kept getting aggravated. Deidra's friend was over too and they pleaded to go outside. I told them I didn't care. I get back to resting on the couch and the next thing I know is Deidra is yelling that her friend has to go to the bathroom but she won't come out of the swingset fort because she's afraid of the dog. She managed to walk outside with the dog out there to go to the swingset and now she can't do the same to get back in the house? Well, the next thing I know is Deidra's yelling at the dog and her friend would not come all the way down. Our dog is harmless...yes she's hyper as she's still a puppy, but she's not mean. She's nothing to be afraid of. So, I get back up and go get the dog so she can come in. She comes in and I expect her to head to the bathroom. Nope, she says she never had to go. I'm sorry, but she was the one just bragging about how she could never tell a lie...I realize that it doesn't exactly sound like a big deal...but why say you have to come in because you have to go tot he bathroom and then once you get in the house admit that you didn't have to go. Um, that's a lie to me. So, I told them they weren't going back outside if she was going to be like that.

I just am dragging today. I was trying to sign papers for the OT and I kept hearing something. I go into the kitchen to find Josiah with my spray butter, just spraying it all over the floor, counter, and the oven. Looks like I'll be mopping later. He just looks at me with this smirk on his face. After she left, I made him help me clean it up off the counters and stuff. I'm going to do the floor as I didn't want anyone slipping and falling. And while I should be in the kitchen decluttering my countertops and mopping the floor, here I sit. Both kids finally fell asleep...I desperately want to close my eyes. Yet, I feel like I'm so behind with everything that I really should clean and get some paperwork that I'm behind on done....I have the kids Christmas lists that I have to have turned in by the end of the week, and I have some evaluations that I have to do. Not to mention, complete the girls adoption application and reference forms. Everytime I think about it, I just say it can wait. I know I can't keep thinking like this. I just want to lay down and go to sleep.

Went to church this morning...

Crammed myself into my jeans....the jeans that were too big a couple of weeks ago are now very snug. I was very uncomfortable at church and couldn't wait to get home and get back into my other pants. I think once I have my first ob appt and am able to find out that baby is ok and when I am due for sure, I am going to take myself shopping for some maternity clothes.

I had woken up this morning worrying about everything, I keep feeling like I'm dreaming and that when I go back to the doctor on Thursday they're going to tell me that I'm not pregnant. At mass today, I prayed and gave my worries to God about losing this baby and asked Him to keep me and baby safe and to help me quit worrying about everything. I offered up my Communion today in thanksgiving of this baby. When I got up to leave, a voice told me "go ask Father to bless your pregnancy and quit worrying." I went up very shyly with Josiah and told Father that we had just found out that we were expecting and I wanted to know if he could bless our baby. He was very happy to do so. He asked God to bless me and my son. At first I thought he was blessing Josiah as I had him with me, but then he blessed my stomach. A sign? I found it interesting as my Dad is convinced that this baby is a boy. Everytime he asks how I am he will ask me "how's my grandson doing?" It'll be interesting to find out what we are having. All I know is that I already feel huge. I'm feeling pretty well...I just have moments where I get very tired and the nausea hits out of the blue. Very different nausea than what I had when I was pregnant with Deidra. With Deidra, I was sick constantly. With this one, while I do have moments where I'm nauseated for awhile...at other times it just comes on suddenly and I run to barf in the bathroom or the closest place that I can. The thing that I'm experiencing with this one that I really didn't have that much with Deidra is gas and heartburn. And of course, every time I turn around it seems like I'm running to pee. My chest hasn't been so sore the last couple of days either. I just continue to feel very blessed that God has blessed us with this baby, but yet at times I still feel like I'm dreaming.

I was sad to learn that our church kitty, Joseph, passed away. I held him last week and he just purred away. He was always one of the highlights around the church. He'd climb into the windows and come sit in the pews or follow Father down to the altar or race Father over to the church. He would always let Father win the race. He sat with Deidra in one of the pews once when we had gone in to pray for a few minutes. They called him the cat lic kitty. Everybody always loved on him before and after the masses and he would always know when the masses let out and he'd come out where everybody could find him. He will be missed! I cried when I read his memorial and I told my Mom it was the wrong thing to show the sensitive pregnant lady. He was a sweet kitty.

Tutoring

Deidra was sent home with a note saying that they were asking for her to do some tutoring to catch her up on reading. So, every Monday she'll be staying after school for 45 minutes for reading tutoring. I know she's been struggling with this, so I know she needs it. Hopefully, it won't take her all that long to get to where she needs to be. I wish she shared the love of reading that I have, but it really is a struggle to get her to read anything. However, she does like the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books.

No gumption

I literally have no gumption to do anything. I start out the day by telling myself that I need to do "A, B, and C." I don't wind up doing anything but the absolute necessities. Like today, we had a case worker visit. I am just so tired. I don't have much energy at all. Yesterday, I was very blessed to get to take a 45 minute nap with Josiah (he's not feeling all that great...slight fever and bad cough)and I still felt drained. He slept all the way through getting the girls from school in the car and I wished I could sleep right along with him. I fell asleep on the couch last night after SVU was over. Andy woke me up to go to bed and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open long enough to go upstairs. I just have no gumption to do anything. I have been feeling sick on and off too, but the weird thing is that I have to force myself to eat...not so much because of the quesies, but I just have no appetite. Yesterday, it was almost 2:30 before I realized that I hadn't eaten lunch at all. So, I ate a Lean Cuisine and called it good. I just wish I could get some gumption to do the things I need to do...I'm behind on weekly foster paperwork, I need to make the girl's Christmas lists so I can get them into my agency and CPS as they want them by the beginning of next week. I also need to reschedule our health inspection as they never showed up when they were supposed to. Apparently, they were out sick. I still have a whole stack of adoption paperwork waiting for me as well. I'm just going to have to start making a list of what needs to be done and make it a goal to cross one thing off the list each day. I had forgotten how tired you get when trying to grow a life inside of you. But, considering all that, I feel SO blessed to get to experience it all again. God is SO good and faithful to His people! Thank You, Abba, so much for this blessing...we are so thankful for this baby.

One emotional Momma, but oh so very blessed!

I was driving Deidra to school this morning and thinking about how very blessed I am. I started thanking God and just praising Him for all of our blessings over our family. I just feel like God is holding me in His hands and is just pouring his blessings over our family. I have never felt more in God's presence and more loved and blessed by Him! I love my family...I love my children...I love how God has provided them with us as parents and given us our children that we have asked and prayed for how He saw fit. We are so blessed to have had Deidra, to have adopted Josiah, to be adopting Little E and Baby T, and now to find out that we have another baby on the way. I am one blessed Momma and I could not be more happier. I am just so thrilled!